24 and a Bit

How far along? 24 weeks 6 days  (I almost forgot. Woops)

Total weight gain/measurements: ... Gah. Lets just go with 5ish inches added on to my normal. :)

Maternity clothes: Haha THIS OUTFIT?? The shirt is a shirt I got from a 5 mile run in Indiana, and the pants are the 7 for all man kind again. Boring outfit!! With wet hair, and no make-up

Stretch marks? Nope.

Sleep: RESTLESS. Sleep an hour.... awake, move. Sleep an hour, awake, move....

Best moment this week: Letting the leaders in YW's know the news.

Worst moment this week: Other than being very emotional; the HORRIBLE charlie-horse I had last night. It was killer. Woke me up. I usually can sit up and pull my foot back to make it stop, but this one was so strong I couldn't pull it back an inch. I had to jump out of bed and stand on my one leg before my toes started to move. Jared just laid there.  I asked him later what he would have done if my own body weight wouldn't have stretched the muscle. Jump on my back of course!

Miss anything? Soft cheeses. mmmmm....

Movement: Bunches. He jumps now when startled with loud noises. He first did it when I turned on the vacuum, then he jumped at church when we started to sing. It is kinda cool, although I feel kinda bad I'm scaring him... just kinda... :)  (Oh motherhood will be fun- I'll have fun and just pay for counseling for him later...)

Food cravings: I woke up on Sunday wanting raspberry filled powder donuts. BUT this may have been because I had a series of weird dreams that included donuts. I don't think I would really say it was a craving though. BUT Jared agreed it would have tasted really good. Too bad it was Sunday. I still think it would taste good.

Anything making you queasy or sick? Na, not really. I never realized all these smells before though. The dogs breath for one I have never smelled before. Doesn't make me sick, but boy get him a Tic-Tac or something!

Labor signs: Braxton Hicks. Average of one every day. Are we sure women's bodies are 'made' for this??

Symptoms: EMOTIONAL - I don't think I've ever cried this much in all my years before this combined. And random nausea.

Belly button in or out? Out - still sad.

Wedding rings on or off? On.

Happy or moody most of the time? This week has been a bit better.  I started trying to do things that make me feel better. It started out moody, and has turned somewhat happy. Hopefully I can start tomorrow happy.

Looking forward to: The next OB appointment. I don't really know why, the appointments are boring ones now. And I would like to register somewhere... but I don't really want to alone. :/  Someone come visit me and lets register!

I'm thinking that people tend to think I'm smaller than I am because my rather large bosoms (strapped down in this pic) hence a portrait picture of 'the bump'.

Own it

So the last couple weeks have been very much a challenge for me. Mostly it is just old 'demons' coming out because I'm emotional. Oh so emotional... But honestly I've had some ambivalence about being pregnant. Some days I'm so happy and excited and wear tighter shirts to show off my little spare tire, but most days I feel fat and ugly and try to hid things from people. Because they must just see a person that loves their donuts.

Don't get me wrong I'm very happy and excited (and terrified) about being a mommy. I get emotional thinking about my own little boy. I know I will love him. How much? I probably won't even be able to conceive it when he is born. I worry he won't love me, which maybe is strange...

I realized (while talking with my SIL) that the reasons for not telling people at church is multifaceted.

1. I hate that there is a rumor we can't have kids. It is offensive. Makes me not want to share my happy news with you.
2. It is weird telling people the first time you are pregnant. I hear other people say it to me 'oh I'm pregnant'. 'We're expecting', etc, but for me to say it seems weird. Maybe because it is my first time???? IDK. Just a guess.
3. I don't really have many friends in the ward. Not many friends and NO close friends. I've told all my close friends elsewhere...

In my moodiness Jared and I both agreed that I need to stop hiding things from people and just try to 'own' being pregnant. (Of course this was not his exact words... He would have sounded gay had he said those words exactly... in-fact they were more like, try hard..., prayer..., atonement... etc...)

So I wore a tighter shirt in church, and the YW leader (who is turning into a really great friend) was staring at my belly. So funny to have caught her. But she didn't say anything.  BUT Jared is their home teacher and went over that afternoon and mentioned we were expecting.
Her reaction was funny! She said she was staring at my belly because she could see an outie belly button sticking out, but small people don't have outies unless they are pregnant. LOL.
We knew that after telling them it would quickly get around the ward that I was (contrary to the infertile rumors) expecting a boy. And it has. That night the RS contacted me about it. So I'm sure that many more know in the ward.
I hope it will help me to feel okay with 'pregnancy' and all that comes with it by others knowing and supporting, and not feeling like everyone just thinks I'm gaining a pudgy belly - and me trying to hide it.

So in an attempt to 'OWN' the fact I am 'with child'. I thought I would try this question-air. It is definitely stretching my out of my comfort zone, but I thought it might help.

23 Weeks- 

How far along? 23 weeks 5 days (in the picture)

Total weight gain/measurements: ... like 8 pounds (more if you count the weight that I lost and then gained back) -can't believe I'm posting my weight gain... gah. Insecurities. 

Maternity clothes: The top is Motherhood Maternity (yes, I'm starting to wear maternity tops, but really don't 'need' to... )The jeans are just my plain old regular 7 for all man-kind jeans. Still fit. There is only one pair of jeans that is tight, but they were iffy before too. So I feel lucky. I think I'm carrying fairly high (and small). Hence the jeans still fitting.

Stretch marks? Nope. 

Sleep: Ever since being pregnant I have not slept well. I am very restless and have good night and bad nights. The bad nights are usually 2-4 hours of sleep and then I'm wide awake. The good nights are like 7-9 hours of sound sleep - which means NO GETTING UP TO PEE!!! love that! Most the time it is just very restless-wake up every hour.

Best moment this week:  Letting my mom, sister and adopted sister (kate) feel him kicking. He was going crazy that day. AND I tried running (well jogging) again. First time in months.  IT WAS AWESOME. I had NO SI joint problems and went a little more than 3 miles. (I've been riding the bike trainer which mimics the moves you would do to help strengthen those muscles in PT and it's paid off!)
Worst moment this week: Having my feelings hurt. Being called, 'small' and 'chunky' in the same one minute span  :/

Miss anything? I miss my old looking self. :(  Sometimes I feel like I look like the Grinch.

Movement: He is always on the move. I'm convinced he is going to be a karate master, swimmer, track star... something active. He started kicking my floating ribs- fun.

Food cravings: Huh? What's that? Seriously, nope. 

Anything making you queasy or sick? I CANNOT take my prenatal vitamin during the day or I puke. It was no fun figuring that out. And the thought of poopy diapers... hopefully that will change or Jared's in for a world of fun. ;)

Gender: BOY of course!

Labor signs: Just some mild Braxton Hicks. They happen about every other day.  But I've been having them since 19 weeks so, Oh well.

Symptoms: I've always had slow 'gut' issues, then the puking this week, suddenly and for no reason I will get really nauseous - but it usually passes 5 mins later, and I've noticed getting out of bed is just a bit more of a challenge.       SIDE STORY... There is a lady who is 2 weeks ahead of me who is constantly complaining about EVERYTHING which is fine.... EXCEPT she BRAGGED constantly about not being nauseous at all in the first trimester. Which I hated her for since I was nauseous 24/7.  Now I feel pretty good... and she doesn't. Not that I'm Bragging out loud to her, BUT secretly I'm smiling.

Belly button in or out? Out- It has been for a while, its sad :(

Wedding rings on or off? On with room to spare. They feel looser than ever honestly.

Happy or moody most of the time? Probably moody since this is mostly the reason why I'm doing this... Jared would definitely say moody. He has been so good to me. There have been very hard days. You know... those days when I text him "Do you still love me?"
Poor Jared. He is great. Such a support, and very patient.

Looking forward to: Flying out to Kentucky at the end of February. :) I'm excited to see all my friends there!

Please note: The picture of me was taken after being at the zoo all day with my nephew, please disregard the 'ugh' in the picture :)



Here a few of the pics from the zoo with P.

Acts like He's 5

Ha! No this time I'm not talking about Jared!

This dog LOVE walks, and since I do a lot more walking than any other exercise he gets to come along.

He loves it. Usually he gets to run off the leash at the park because it is frequently empty. We also found a water fountain at the park... and so did he. He quickly figured out it was pretty awesome.

We snapped this picture.

 

He reminds me of a little 5 year old kid!

So funny. My little buddy.

I'm sure once we have a kid, there won't be many 'Charlie the Dog' posts so enjoy the spotlight dog!


On a side note.... Jared put nesquik in the fridge the morning.  I noticed this when I was putting groceries away.  Who has pregnancy brain in this house?????  Sympathy problem?

I just had to tease him about it :)

Double Duty

When we first moved to Az I had a really hard time, with ... everything. I kept applying for jobs and being rejected, I didn't fit in (I mean who does when they move to the west and say 'Ya'll' and 'the grocery'), I lost all my friends in KY, I missed the green, I missed our home - just everything was really hard for me.  I had a hard time adjusting.

I felt like I had nothing. I had left it all and had nothing left.

I felt bad feeling this way. It made Jared feel guilty for 'making' us move which was the last thing I wanted.

Oh there are a few pages in my journal I would like to white out about how horrible life was....

I asked for many a blessing from Jared.  They were always good and comforting, but I just couldn't shake the feeling of not belonging.

Before I was busy. I worked full time. I tried to be the wife that kept the home in order, and the yard.  I had a great calling that I loved doing. (Ward Historian). I had friends that I would go out with. I had crafts I loved to work on. I had a house that I wanted to improve.  I was running and training for the next, half, sprint, whatever- always something next.

So when we moved I didn't really have all those somethings.  No calling, no job, no real yard, no close friends, can't change the house we are renting, no races (or no place to run since in the summer you have to get up at 4 in the morning to run in 95 degrees). It was frustrating. All these things that formed my life before were gone.

So when I got a calling in the ward Jared was more than excited. And I received it fairly quick after moving in. Sunday School teacher for the 12 to 14 age group. This calling kind of terrified me.  I've only every taught primary (and nursery if you can count that...). And with the changed teaching manual to the 'come follow me' program, it was hard.

But slowly I got less and less nervous in class as I taught. The class started to participate more. Jared has always supported me and sits in with my class. They are good kids that need love and doctrine.

Jared told me later that my calling was an answer to his prayers. He saw how down and solemn I had become and knew I needed something.

Well, we have a partially new class this year and I already love them. They participate so much and have so much to say and teach the rest of the class. I also like the material now and starting at the beginning of the year instead of being plugged in halfway through.

Then this last month I've started to feel down again. Again I asked for blessings. And again, they were great, but they did not fill the void I was feeling.

Then last week I got a call from a counselor in the bishopric.  He wants to meet with me.
A new calling.
A calling in the Young Womens program. -The Personal Progress specialist.  YIKES.

I have no idea what I'm doing, but there is a good organized presidency. They have met with me. Explained things and have tried to help me slide into position.

Now I'm busy again. I have a personal progress night to plan in February. New Beginnings is next week (luckily most of it is planned already) but they want me to present a power-point and speak. I'm being encouraged to encourage the girls about PP. Lots to do.

Did I mention I still am teaching the 12-14 year olds?  NOT saying that I still don't have 'free time' to nap or cook or clean or watch a movie or three, but now I feel like I am needed. There is less time to wallow in my own pitty. (Which I tend to do with too much time).

I swear I got the calling because I proved myself in Relief Society. I made a comment. And if you know me at all, I don't make comments.  I can't even remember the last time I made a comment....maybe at BYU??? Not even for Jared when he was teaching- for which he has some beef (but I have read a scripture or two! Don't forget that Jared!).  Then the next week I'M OUT OF THERE!

So I'm excited. I hope that I can fill the space that was left for me. We are only here for a couple more months. I hope the girls can be excited and accepting of me and my weird ways of doing things. I hope they don't judge me too harshly or quick. AND I hope that I can obtain my Honor Bee (and maybe another medallion... some day...)

A Week-by-Week

I'm not so much into the whole baby belly thing. Accepting a growing belly has been very difficult for me. I feel like I'm still in the awkward 'fat' stage, while Jared says I really am starting to look pregnant.  (But he has been the good husband that has said that the whole time, so... )

I only started to kind of 'show' around 19-20 weeks.  And things have progressed quickly since.

It is kind of amazing thinking about what is happening- a growing person inside of me, but in the mean time I still feel like I look like I've lost control of my appetite and ate too many holiday cookies.

Not like my friends that have a cute little baby bump.  Jealous.

Some people have already voiced their opinions about my little spare tire. Being that it is 'too small' forhow far along I am, and my OB should be concerned.  But baby boy measures the perfect size. Right on for his due date. And so NO my OB is not worried.

I knew these comments would happen... I can't wait for more.  I just didn't expect how insecure and rattled they would make me feel.

(Maybe this is why I still haven't told the people at church... everyone has something to say... and most expecting women are much bigger than me even when they are 2 months behind me. Am I building walls to protect myself??? I don't know. I'm still trying to figure that one out.)

Can't wait til I'm a parent and everyone has something to add about my parenting techniques.... :/


BUT...

As much as I want to hide my spare tire around the middle I know that I will regret not documenting and being able to see how much he has grown week by week. Hence the pictures.

(Be warned some pics are not the prettiest of me. In most I don't have make up on or it was a 'minimal make-up day')

 19 Weeks

20 Weeks

21 Weeks

22 Weeks

-This ones a gem - taken after I was on the bike trainer

Our little boy at the anatomy scan- 20 weeks along. Love this picture! He was so active, the ultrasound tech was even impressed at him kicking her. BTW... anatomy scan was great! He is an active, healthy baby.  We were told he would be a pound by the next week.... So now at 22 weeks he is more than a pound. CRAZY.

"Having It All"

There are so many GOOD things happening for us.

Dare I say we 'Have It All'.

One of Jared's attendings even told him, before we moved, that he 'had a lot going for him'.  He talked about how lucky he was to have a beautiful , supportive wife (thank you, thank you...). That he was a smart and talented surgeon just starting on his bright career. That he 'had a lot going for him' and he would go far.

Now this might seem like something anyone could say at a wedding... or for any graduating senior; college or high school, but it was special ...


Little did he know of ...

The many arguments we were having.
The trials we were facing.
How rocky our marriage felt at the time.
The frustrations at Jared's work hours, co-workers, and tests.
The stress of trying to sell the house, pack and move across the country.

Little did he know how we were struggling through each day.


When Jared told me what he said I thought it was so nice of him to say those things, but I didn't see how really truly nice and sincere his words were.  However with time I have thought about his words again and again.


If we could always live and think as if we "Have it All" how different would our attitudes be?  How different would I act or feel about the trivial things that, in the moment, seem to mean everything?

Sometimes we get lost in the daily frustrations of life. We forget to count what there is going for us. So instead of getting caught up in life's twists and turns, lets just enjoy the ride

"We may not have it all together but together we have it all"

It's About Time...

I remember when we were first married and we moved to Kentucky, I got the question "when are you going to have kids?"

Well, then Jared had his brain thing- and we both agreed that we should wait. I should get my degree, and some work experience, because you just never know what will happen in life. We agreed that if we wanted kids we wanted a way for me to provide for them IF anything happened to Jared.

So Jared put my studies back a semester because of that 'brain thing'. It took another 2.5 years (with a few summer classes one year) but I finally graduated, and I had a job offer waiting for me.

 Ideal.

And so we became DINKs  - 

Double Income No Kids

.......and it was awesome! (I'm very selfish as you can see- I enjoy not stressing about our bank account -as much- and being able to go on a 'real' vacation. Sorry family - love ya, but the Caribbean is so much more relaxing).
Working- Yes I like to have a job. It makes me feel important, valuable, knowledgeable, and you make friends at work. And yes I did. Love my work friends.  But working is work and it is hard, I hated it sometimes.

The question was then brought up again after I got a job. Kids??

We pondered, but I felt I needed more experience (time) in the field if I ever needed to get a job.  I have had a fear ever since the brain thing that Jared will die on me. To me, it is a legitimate fear.  His 'brain thing' has a chance of coming back, and who knows if we would be as lucky as the last.  Jared knows this fear and understood my position.

And so we worked. And enjoyed life in Kentucky. Around 3 years people stopped asking the 'when will you have kids' question. They probably thought something was wrong with us- you know being Mormon in all, and not having, at the very least, a Bun in the Oven.

Instead, it turned into "Are you trying yet?" It was nice to have the first question stop. I hated that question. But I hated the 2nd even more. I felt like they were trying to dig into my personal life to see if we had a tragic story of infertility.  None ya...

It has always seemed to me that these are most personal questions that people like to ask. (Maybe I'm just too private and personal of a person). But to me it is like asking the details of my sex life. I always wanted to (but never did...) respond to the question with my own questions...
"Do you want to know what positions we like most too? And how often? And where?"

.... I digress.... It is a personal question. 

We ended up moving to Az where in our new ward we are the CRAZY, OUT OF STYLE, WERIDOS. Because we don't have like 4 kids already and we've been married for..... WHAT!?!?!?!

5 & 1/2 YEARS!??!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?

Inconceivable!

Yes, even a rumor started about us.
....We must be infertile. We can't have kids....

Wow! What an insensitive rumor.  Crazy thing about rumors - it was never started to hurt me I'm sure, but yet it got back to me and... Wow.

Instead, how about you look at our history. Look at our fears. Look at how we smile longingly at children. Look in my closet - where I have my baby stuff collection that has been going on for years. Look at how we would cringe when asked if we have kids and had to say "Not yet". We did not say "Hell no! I hate kids!"
All those times we were forced to answer 'those' questions, we wanted kids.

Well guess what???

That's right!  We are expecting a BOY in May.  For now I call him my little 'minion'.

Yup, I'm 20 weeks along (HALFWAY!!! Woot Woot!).... And as amazing as my body has been hiding this little man (I'm still sitting in my jeans with room to spare- kinda makes me wonder if I should have gotten a size smaller when I bought them) he will not be hid for too much longer. He is growing FAST, and we are starting to see it.

WE ARE ECSTATIC!

Jared didn't believe the first 2 positive pregnancy tests - because they were the 'cheap ones'.

So comes the expensive one.... 

"The 2nd line is too faint"
(mind you I'm furious my husband won't believe me)

So comes the 4th one.  
Not cheap.
Second line VERY apparent....

"YEAH!!"
 (all the while I'm rolling my eyes, frustrated).


So to recap the last 5ish miserable months... 

• Nausea 24/7. It would wake me up at night. There was no escape. Then week 17 came.... and the heavens opened. I'm a person again!  And... holy cow the house is a disaster!

• No crazy cravings. That might be explained by the fact I can't hardly taste or smell to begin with....

• Marathon training is on hold (which is OK with me. I'll get to it eventually). While I still try to run (try being the key word since I'm having some painful ligament issues) it is very slow and not as often. Instead, I try to mix in some light weight training, walking and biking.

• Everything looks good on the ultrasound (thus far, we have yet to go to the official anatomy u/s).  I love to see the heart beating. It is just amazing.

• Around 17 weeks I started feeling the minion move. Kinda crazy! Even Jared felt it.

We are mostly scared... well, terrified. We worry about everything.  I think because we know a little too much... but not enough to calm our fears. Thing is... I don't think this will change, ever....

We are so happy for this little boy to be joining our little family and pray that we can be the best for him!



Disclaimer: Sorry to my good friends who have to find out on a blog. I still love you! I probably wanted to tell you in person, but didn't get to see you or didn't know what to say.  I even debated for weeks before posting this blog post.  I thought I should wait until after the anatomy scan in January, but finally decided IF anything is wrong the people that I would need support from read this blog.  Don't worry I will keep you all up to date. ;)