Own it

So the last couple weeks have been very much a challenge for me. Mostly it is just old 'demons' coming out because I'm emotional. Oh so emotional... But honestly I've had some ambivalence about being pregnant. Some days I'm so happy and excited and wear tighter shirts to show off my little spare tire, but most days I feel fat and ugly and try to hid things from people. Because they must just see a person that loves their donuts.

Don't get me wrong I'm very happy and excited (and terrified) about being a mommy. I get emotional thinking about my own little boy. I know I will love him. How much? I probably won't even be able to conceive it when he is born. I worry he won't love me, which maybe is strange...

I realized (while talking with my SIL) that the reasons for not telling people at church is multifaceted.

1. I hate that there is a rumor we can't have kids. It is offensive. Makes me not want to share my happy news with you.
2. It is weird telling people the first time you are pregnant. I hear other people say it to me 'oh I'm pregnant'. 'We're expecting', etc, but for me to say it seems weird. Maybe because it is my first time???? IDK. Just a guess.
3. I don't really have many friends in the ward. Not many friends and NO close friends. I've told all my close friends elsewhere...

In my moodiness Jared and I both agreed that I need to stop hiding things from people and just try to 'own' being pregnant. (Of course this was not his exact words... He would have sounded gay had he said those words exactly... in-fact they were more like, try hard..., prayer..., atonement... etc...)

So I wore a tighter shirt in church, and the YW leader (who is turning into a really great friend) was staring at my belly. So funny to have caught her. But she didn't say anything.  BUT Jared is their home teacher and went over that afternoon and mentioned we were expecting.
Her reaction was funny! She said she was staring at my belly because she could see an outie belly button sticking out, but small people don't have outies unless they are pregnant. LOL.
We knew that after telling them it would quickly get around the ward that I was (contrary to the infertile rumors) expecting a boy. And it has. That night the RS contacted me about it. So I'm sure that many more know in the ward.
I hope it will help me to feel okay with 'pregnancy' and all that comes with it by others knowing and supporting, and not feeling like everyone just thinks I'm gaining a pudgy belly - and me trying to hide it.

So in an attempt to 'OWN' the fact I am 'with child'. I thought I would try this question-air. It is definitely stretching my out of my comfort zone, but I thought it might help.

23 Weeks- 

How far along? 23 weeks 5 days (in the picture)

Total weight gain/measurements: ... like 8 pounds (more if you count the weight that I lost and then gained back) -can't believe I'm posting my weight gain... gah. Insecurities. 

Maternity clothes: The top is Motherhood Maternity (yes, I'm starting to wear maternity tops, but really don't 'need' to... )The jeans are just my plain old regular 7 for all man-kind jeans. Still fit. There is only one pair of jeans that is tight, but they were iffy before too. So I feel lucky. I think I'm carrying fairly high (and small). Hence the jeans still fitting.

Stretch marks? Nope. 

Sleep: Ever since being pregnant I have not slept well. I am very restless and have good night and bad nights. The bad nights are usually 2-4 hours of sleep and then I'm wide awake. The good nights are like 7-9 hours of sound sleep - which means NO GETTING UP TO PEE!!! love that! Most the time it is just very restless-wake up every hour.

Best moment this week:  Letting my mom, sister and adopted sister (kate) feel him kicking. He was going crazy that day. AND I tried running (well jogging) again. First time in months.  IT WAS AWESOME. I had NO SI joint problems and went a little more than 3 miles. (I've been riding the bike trainer which mimics the moves you would do to help strengthen those muscles in PT and it's paid off!)
Worst moment this week: Having my feelings hurt. Being called, 'small' and 'chunky' in the same one minute span  :/

Miss anything? I miss my old looking self. :(  Sometimes I feel like I look like the Grinch.

Movement: He is always on the move. I'm convinced he is going to be a karate master, swimmer, track star... something active. He started kicking my floating ribs- fun.

Food cravings: Huh? What's that? Seriously, nope. 

Anything making you queasy or sick? I CANNOT take my prenatal vitamin during the day or I puke. It was no fun figuring that out. And the thought of poopy diapers... hopefully that will change or Jared's in for a world of fun. ;)

Gender: BOY of course!

Labor signs: Just some mild Braxton Hicks. They happen about every other day.  But I've been having them since 19 weeks so, Oh well.

Symptoms: I've always had slow 'gut' issues, then the puking this week, suddenly and for no reason I will get really nauseous - but it usually passes 5 mins later, and I've noticed getting out of bed is just a bit more of a challenge.       SIDE STORY... There is a lady who is 2 weeks ahead of me who is constantly complaining about EVERYTHING which is fine.... EXCEPT she BRAGGED constantly about not being nauseous at all in the first trimester. Which I hated her for since I was nauseous 24/7.  Now I feel pretty good... and she doesn't. Not that I'm Bragging out loud to her, BUT secretly I'm smiling.

Belly button in or out? Out- It has been for a while, its sad :(

Wedding rings on or off? On with room to spare. They feel looser than ever honestly.

Happy or moody most of the time? Probably moody since this is mostly the reason why I'm doing this... Jared would definitely say moody. He has been so good to me. There have been very hard days. You know... those days when I text him "Do you still love me?"
Poor Jared. He is great. Such a support, and very patient.

Looking forward to: Flying out to Kentucky at the end of February. :) I'm excited to see all my friends there!

Please note: The picture of me was taken after being at the zoo all day with my nephew, please disregard the 'ugh' in the picture :)



Here a few of the pics from the zoo with P.