I was asked to give a short speech at a church function on Breast Cancer.
HUH? was my first response.
Then... WHY ME?
I was then told that there were quite a few people in the ward going through breast as well as other cancers, and that while they may know best how to 'support' the person, it would not be very appropriate for them to talk about it as it could be perceived as being angry or wanting... BUT I had dealt with Jared's cancer and knew things about support that those couldn't say because they were in the ward and might have hurt feelings, etc... OH Politics!
So today I got to thinking... What do I know? I never really thought of Jared as having 'cancer'. Yes, he had cancer... but it was a well encapsulated, easily resected, tumor. We always called it a tumor - not cancer. Would it have been fatal without treatment - Yes. Was is cancer - Yes.
BUT - we always viewed it as a tumor because he did not need chemo or radiation (although we are told he would have either or both if it ever came back - knock on wood!)
So I feel out of my league.
This is what I came up with.
Please read easy and be nice. This function is not for another month and I wanted to get my thoughts out. I may have more... I may end up cutting half of it out. So don't judge, BUT if you do have a suggestion for cancer support... Let me know!
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I was asked to talk to all you ladies about supporting those
with cancer.
I think that I am under qualified for
this and that there are others who would be much more qualified.
With that… here goes……
‘Our’ story.
Jared and I were married May in 2008. Shortly thereafter, I moved to Kentucky
for his residency training. He was very busy and stressed being and intern
newly out of medical school. Working 100 hour weeks were not uncommon, along
with nights of being on-call at the hospital.
It was a hard time for us, but we loved each other and tried to make
things work as best as possible.
Jared was very stressed with work and very sleep deprived. So when he started
having symptoms (as I later found out) like headaches, we blamed it on stress
and lack of sleep.
In September of that year, just 3 months into this thing called marriage I
wondered if I would end up a 21 year old widow.
Jared started complaining more and more of horrible headaches, and then some
dizziness, the he told me he was having a hard time pronouncing some words, and
he said his fingers just moved slow – all of these he brushed off as working so
hard. One night in we went on a walk around the block. It was about a half
mile. Jared couldn’t make it around the block without sitting down 3 times because
he was too dizzy. At that point I KNEW something was not right – this was not
just stress related. But I did not know what it was. I begged him to see a doctor.
He finally did. The Dr. was so worried he got a brain MRI right
away. He even walked with Jared to the MRI.
Afterwards, he phoned me.
“I have brain cancer. They are admitting me to the hospital downtown. You need
to come.”
I grabbed my keys and started to drive. (I didn’t even know exactly where I was
going- I had to pull over and get an address in my GPS). I didn’t cry until I
called my mom on the way to the hospital.
I told her I didn’t know what to do. We were new in the ward; so new that we
had only gone to sacrament meeting once. We didn’t know anyone, our records
were still elsewhere, we didn’t have visiting or home teachers, we were not
established. We had no one – no family that lived within 1000 miles. I was
scared. My mother’s advise was I had to be strong and I needed to be with
Jared. I will always remember these words.
I met Jared at the Drs. office and drove him to the hospital. We went to the
admission office and started the process. Jared was a patient. We got the room
number we were to go to and decided to call Jared’s family and let them know
what was happening.
When we looked at his phone he had many voicemails from the bishop, the elder’s
quorum president, relief society and compassionate service lady.
Our ward knew before Jared’s parents knew. Now you may ask – BUT HOW? Well we did too.
Try to keep up with this chain of events….My brother and sister in law lived in
Kentucky for 2 years while in medical school. They are the ones that introduced
us. And they just so happened to live in the ward we just moved into.
After I talked with my mom ,she called my dad at work. My sister in law (the
one that lived in KY) worked with my dad. So she heard the news. She then
called her friends in the ward and well…one thing lead to another.
We had the Relief Society, the bishopric and elders quorum president visit us
the first night in the hospital; only hours after the diagnosis. Jared was
given a high dose of steroids to stop his brain from herniating. He was allowed
to go home the next day.
We had a meal waiting at the house that day. And one was given to us the next
day, and the next and next. And then it was surgery day.
The surgery had a risk of death at 25% vs. 100% without treatment. The tumor
was round, and the size of a golf ball. Jared’s parents flew out to be there
and help in any way. And my ‘Kentucky mom’ was there too. The surgery was
supposed to take about 6 hours. But I didn’t see him for 9 hours. My Kentucky mom was so good to me. She made
me eat. She sat there with me for hours. Not talking. I didn’t want to talk. I
just wanted someone there with me. I just wanted a person there to support me
to be there with me. I was afraid my husband was going to die.
The surgery went great… and so started the recovery.
We were very lucky. The tumor was completely resected and Jared did not need
chemo or radiation.
Rehab was hard. He still had a lot of
the symptoms from before the surgery, but slowly they started going away.
He couldn’t work so I quit nursing school to work full time.
Eventually everything amazingly worked out. He recovered fully (except with
some occasional headaches and dizziness, but nothing like before– we are so so
SO very lucky.
So again back to the topic at hand. Support and Cancer. It could be support and
any hard thing really. It doesn’t have to be cancer.
We had some AMAZING support. I mean HELLO! The ward knew we were in the
hospital before Jared’s own mother and father!
We had meals. We had support .). It really was amazing. We found out
later that not only the ward, but the whole stake was asked to fast and pray.
We heard stories a boy who was 10, who was found by his parents praying for my
husband. He didn’t know Jared, but he loved him enough to pray for him.
So to go over support in a more organized manner.
What you can do maybe as a friend or maybe as a visiting
teacher.
1. Start the chain of events. If there is something big happening with a member
maybe a friend or teachee – let the relief society know. The person may not be
comfortable telling anyone but you. They may not know anyone but you. But they
Need support. And what support is better than one person but a BUNCH of people.
2. Bring a meal. Make sure the RS or compassionate service person has
coordinated this. It was such an act of love when we had meals delievered
especially from people we didn’t know. How grateful I was for this! Last thing
I wanted to do was cook.
3. Be there. Make sure you are there for them. They may not want to talk or
they may! Each person is different, but what you can do is be there. If someone
is getting chemo for example you can offer a ride, or send them a short text
saying you were thinking about them. Let them know you are there for them even
if they don’t want to talk. People will express themselves differently. BE
THERE. They may just need to know they can get a hug from you one random day
that is hard them. Just BE THERE like my ‘Kentucky Mom” was for me.
4. Think of other things you can do for them. This one can be harder to think
of, or maybe easy for some people. For example: One day about 2 weeks after
surgery randomly heard a lawn mower going in our yard. A man from the ward was
mowing our lawn. No one asked him to, but he one day just thought ‘I should mow
their lawn’. Jared couldn’t do it. He
could barely walk to the end of the driveway with a cane. Not that I’m opposed
to mowing the lawn, but there were other things on my mind at the time. So Maybe you could offer to pick up someone
kids, get someones mail, take out their trash. Sometimes its just the small
stuff that means a lot.
That short list was all I could think of based on the wonderful blessing of
others we had. Then I started thinking…. What is something to avoid that I wish
people would or would NOT have done.
1.EVERYONE KNOWS SOMEONE WITH CANCER, BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN WE WANT TO HEAR
ABOUT IT.
After the diagnosis we had SO many people come up to us and tell us all about
their friend, father, uncle, aunt, neice, with brain cancer… and you know what,
I DIDN’T WANT TO HEAR IT. This was MY situation. Unique to us. If you are so inclined to tell a story
(because sometimes as ladies we can’t help it) please don’t tell stories that
end badly. I mean how many people do you know that have had brain cancer and
lived??? Every story we were told ended
in death. Every time this happened I
almost wanted to say… “and this is supposed to help me feel better… how???”
2. We are still people. Just because cancer is part of our lives, doesn’t mean
that’s all we are. Please don’t treat me like a big ball of cancer. I still
have parents, I still have a life, I still like to do things, and watch movies.
I’m still a person. Treat me and talk to me as such!
3. Don’t forget about it, just because the big part is over. We received so
much love and support right when we found out about the cancer. We had meals,
phone calls, visits…. It truly was amazing. Then surgery happened and
everything was good. We went home. So blessed. BUT 2 days later hurricane Ike
blew in. 80 mph winds tipped over trees, ripped siding off of houses, and broke
power lines. More specifically our power.
Our power was out for 6 days. We
did not have vt or home teachers (at least that we knew of)- all the food we
saved for later, spoiled. We had plans to watch movies and lazy around after surgery
b/c Jared couldn’t get his heart rate above 100 – this couldn’t happen. My
husband was BORED TO DEATH. Reading made him dizzy and we didn’t have lights.
We had a huge pile of laundry. We were forgotten. No one remembered the guy
with a brain tumor because he was ‘all better’.
Looking back we should have called someone, but we felt we would be a
burden. The point is, just because everything is “all better” or the cancer is
“gone” doesn’t mean they don’t still need someone. Someone to support them,
someone to love them, someone to watch out for them, or someone to make them a
meal, someone just to check on them.
That’s all I have how to support people. Our story is completely unique. We
only have MRI’s every 2 years. There is a 10% chance the tumor could come back,
but so far, we have gone 5 years. Things have gone back to normal, but we will never
be the same from this experience.
So basically, I would leave you with this: perform the
golden rule. If this was happening to you, what would you want? It may not be
exactly the same, but you can ask. Sometimes it’s just a prompting to go up to
someone and say you were thinking about them, and asking is there is anything
you can do. Because sometimes we don’t specifically know what do. Ask what you
can do. Just BE THERE.
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